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VEGAN FEAST SUBSCRIBERS' COOKING AND RECIPE FORUM>
"A vegetarian is coming for dinner"
Søren
248 posts
May 06, 2007
12:16 PM
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This is a highly unserious topic but I just found one of the first books someone gave to me when I went veggie in 1991. It is a book published in 1981 by a journalist called Virtus Schade and even though it's vegetarian - not vegan - it is a hilarious cookbook for the language used in it.
I'm taking the risk of being a lousy translator from the original Danish text and hope you will giggle a little upon reading it and realising how far we've come (thankfully) in the past 26 years:
"This book has been missed for a long time. 35 years precisely. That's as long as this author has been a vegetarian. And EACH time he's been invited for dinner, the host(ess) has called his wife, desperately asking: "What on earth should we make for him"? A quick warning: if you think this book is about salads, run back to the bookstore to get your money back. It isn't. And the reason why you won't find mixed salads and omelets with "wet veggies" (that's what we call the inedible canned vegetables) it is partly due to the fact that you will very well know yourself how to make them, partly that that's what the vegetarian gets each and every time (s)he's invited out."
Ten myths about vegetarians:
Myth # 1) The chef is allowed to improvise the recipe.
Comment: Well dah, it is difficult to follow a recipe. There's always something you suspect don't fit. But food is chemistry, and 15 minutes are not the same as 20, and there's a difference between paprika and nutmeg, between canned and fresh tomatoes so follow the recipes or throw away the book. And if you absolutely insist on showing your imagination, then for heaven's sake try it for your self first.
Myth #2) Vegetarians don't drink
Comment: Why on earth shouldn't they? If you're a vegetarian like the two authors, it is due to ethical reasons, because we don't want to kill the animals, so wine, beer and liquor can't be part of the taboos.
Myth #3) Vegetarians need only one course
Comment: It's the same old song: First two kinds of herings to the carnivores ("Your dinner will come in a moment, sir"), then the first meat plate ("Your dinner is on its way, sir"), then the second meat plate (the person at your side: "Why aren't you getting anything to eat?") - and THEN the vegetarian dish comes in, being close to unedible. And to add insult to injury, the inevitable remarks from all sides: "Oooh that looks delish!" - "If only I'd been vegetarian!" And that's when you could almost eat your innocent table-mates in anger!
Another possibility: "Oh, I'm sorry but we've forgotten you but can't you just eat a bit of the sidedishes?" One diner (generously): "You're welcome to have my peas". Another (very witty): "Why don't you have a bite of the flowers on the table, ha ha".
Comments: Vegetarians supposedly have the same appetite and desires of variety of food as any other person. The vegetarian will most often be accostumed to the lousy service but next time you invite him/her, (s)he's obviously busy exactly that day.
It's no use saying: "Oh can't you just once eat a little meat, surely it won't harm you." Firstly, a veggie stomach may not be able to tolerate meat. Secondly, it's only insulting to try to persuade someone to give up his principles, even if only once. It's like if I asked you: "Oh can't I just sleep with your wife/husband just once?" (Unless you're the kind who actually don't mind). [........] The serious vegetarian of course refuses to eat the vegetables that have been on the same platter as the meat. And if you're not feeding the vegetarian, (s)he will be at risk of getting severely drunk before the main dish arrives. (S)he won't have any other occupation than to drink one glass after the other while the rest chew around the table.
Myth #4) Vegetarian LOVE salads
Comment: It's possible that some vegetarians love salad. Just as some meat-eaters. But not each time.
Myth #5) Vegetarians are small and skinny
Comment: That's rubbish! Just look at this author - 6 feet tall and 170 kilograms.
Myth #6) One little shrimp won't harm
Comment: Yes it will!!!
Myth #7) He probably won't notice there's meat broth in it
Comment: That's possible. You probably won't notice if I peed in your soup. But we'd arguably both be enemies for life if either one found out.
Myth #8) Celery schnitzels are just what the doctor ordered!
(Celery schnitzel is a slice of cooked, breaded and then panfried celery from the poor days when people couldn't afford to eat meat every day).
Comment: Why??? We've never eaten it. If you're a health freak or people with exotic eating habits it might be different but you don't have to be either just because you're a vegetarian.
Myth #9) Vegetables = canned foods
Comment:
That canned foods are not food
And love is not hate
That's all I know
About canned foods and love
(this rhymes in Danish)
Myth #10) Vegetarians don't smoke
Comment: Some carnivores go to church. Some vegetarians go to church. Some carnivores play the piano. Some vegetarians play the piano. Some carnivores don't smoke. Some vegetarians don't smoke. Some carnivores smoke between the courses. Some vegetarians smoke between the courses. In both cases, it is disrespectful to the host.
[....]
This book may be rude. But 35 years of culinary suffering in countless homes justifies it!
[....]
(A pizza recipe) Remember: Sardines are NOT eaten by vegetarians. And it's not enough to tell them just to take them off.
[....]
Homemade pot-käse ("pot cheese" - old cheese left-overs marinated in a pot with brandy until it becomes a mushy spread ... I'm glad I've never ever eaten it!)
"Prepare it half a year before the vegetarian arrives".
[....]
And a curry sauce recipe:
I SAID three tablespoons of curry, not two.
(These were the days when curry was considered extremely exotic! *LOL*)
[.......]
Another recipe: NO salt on the table. If your guest demands it, tell him you've run out.
[.......]
And finally the star remark: "Vegetarians are no better than other human beings (except, of course, from an ethical point of view)."
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Okay, I guess you got the picture. And hopefully a little laugh (despite any clumsy translation). Virtus Schade (the author) died 1995, just 60 years old.
Søren
Last Edited on 6-May-2007 1:43 PM
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Shona
16 posts
May 06, 2007
2:21 PM
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Homemade pot-käse ("pot cheese" - old cheese left-overs marinated in a pot with brandy until it becomes a mushy spread ... I'm glad I've never ever eaten it!)
"Prepare it half a year before the vegetarian arrives".
Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard I got a stitch in my side! Thanks for posting this ... it was a great read. :-)
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JulieH
398 posts
May 06, 2007
5:56 PM
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Soren, this is so funny! Actually some of these things haven't changed that much. I recently had a similar experience eating at a restaurant.
Thanks for translating this!
Julie
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Bryanna
Owner/Moderator
2108 posts
May 07, 2007
10:55 AM
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Søren, that was so funny, and so true! Thanks for translating all of that!
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Søren
250 posts
May 07, 2007
11:37 AM
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I'm glad you all had a laugh about this. I think it's funny he's letting go of all his irritation about prejudice against vegetarians. Haven't we all been wanting to scream out loud sometimes (I remember when I was being served a plate of frozen fish sticks and mushy peas and carrots and was told "It's vegetarian!") :-D
I know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover but it is curious though that he wears a suede apron, claiming to be a vegetarian for ethical reasons, plus he's a huge cheese lover (and most cheeses contain rennet from calf stomaches).
Søren
Last Edited on 7-May-2007 11:38 AM
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Debbie
1354 posts
May 07, 2007
2:07 PM
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Hi Soren,
That is so funny! Thanks for translating them.
There are fake suedes! Although I don't know about apron! There are leather and suedes purses that looks like leather but it's not. Matt& Nat is the famous brand (made in Canada). I shop at this store near me, all vegan store, who sells purses, shoes, belt, wallets, etc. that looks exactly like leather but they are not. Amazing! http://www.shophumanitaire.com/
I also had a make over last Saturday at this store with Zuzu Luxe cosmetics. I am feeling pretty now.... :-)
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Debbie
Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. ~ Harriet Van Horne
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